because my last update was so very long ago...

i recently read a few of my friend's blogs on another site, and it got me thinking about my own life. i feel like i have so much to discuss, yet so little.

lets start out with a little question thats been eating away at my brain for the longest time:
am i fire or water?
you know, like how every body has an element?
fire:
Those with fire sign influence are self-sufficient, courageous risk takers. They go at life with gusto, including in their relationships, and they are by far the sexiest of the elemental signs. They are fun, engaging, and creative in all aspects of their lives. However, they can also be terribly selfish, demanding and bossy under unfavorable conditions, and they often refuse to see any side but their own when confronted with an issue. They can be very headstrong and will bully their way through life if life doesn't move over for them.
water:
Those with water sign influence are the feelers of the world. They are intuitive and "just know." They are compassionate and receptive, and feel everything quite deeply. They are artistic and love having beauty around them. They form strong emotional bonds with others and are always willing to help. They want to care for others and be cared for. They are the psychics of the world. On the down side, they can be moody and may tend to dwell on the bad things.

my zodiac sign assosiates me with fire automatically, and i feel that fire is how i act every day. i also feel like i can be water though. its kinda weird. i mean, i feel like fire is my OUTER persona, while water is my INNER. fire is more of my physical self, while water is more mental. both are apparently very sensitive to weather changes, as i am, so thats another thing. even 3 can't choose one for me. i hate being, you know, in the MIDDLE. i want to belong to one group, but that hasn't ever happened to me in life. im always in the MIDDLE of something or another. pah.

i've been kinda REALLY on the moody side since yesterday. you see, 3 has started his school year job. its not bad, as its only on the weekends. but the HOURS HE HAS TO WORK. it ranges from 2:30/4:30-midnight/1 am. because of this, he is unable to hang out on weekends. he insists that we can try hanging out on weekdays, but i know that my mother wont let me. weekdays are for 'school work and studying' and not for my love life. i can see him on fridays, but thats about it. and i hate hanging out on fridays with a boyfriend. i mean, i get out of school at 3 and then i have to go home and shower. by the time im done with that, its about 5. my curfew is 10-10:30, so in the end we can only hang out for about 5 hours. WHICH IS LIKE NOTHING. plus, if we hang out in his town, he ALWAYS runs into someone he knows and they ALWAYS start a conversation which ALWAYS takes away from the precious little time i have with him. even his best friend hates this. cus now, these 5 hours have to be split between him and me, so we basically have to fight for his time now (his best friend lives in another town, about an hour away, and he only comes down from friday to sunday to visit)

i know this doesnt seem like much, but im SCARED. im absolutely terrified of falling back into the state i was when sean was in the play and we couldnt speak or see each other cus of his practices. i know this isnt as intense, as its only weekends, but STILL. i've come to push those terrible memories of what sean did to me to the furthest recesses of my mind. i can remember what happened as if i was watching from outside my body, as if i was an outsider. i do this so i wont be able to remember the PAIN. i dont remember what the pain felt like, but i do know that its not something i would like to relive anytime soon.

idk, im probably just over reacting to the situation. in fact, i KNOW i am. but, i'm just too scared of a...a relapse....you know?

but i feel like i've gotten a hell of a lot stronger since may. oh, shit loads stronger. its cus my self esteem went way up!
i no longer get those terrible fits of jealousy which make me feel like im worthless and ugly and that no one would ever want me. this has...evolved, i guess you can say. its evolved into a 'im holier than thou' attitude. basically, my ego over-rides my jealousy. now when i look at one of 3's friends who are close friends, im like 'FFT. SHES UGLY. IM MUCH PRETTIER THAN HER. OH, AND MUCH FUNNIER. SHES BORING. 3 PROBABLY FEELS BAD FOR HER CUS SHES SO DAMN UGLY. HES SO NICE. HES A SWEETHEART. IM LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH A GUY. BUT HONESTLY, SHES NOT WORTH HIS PRECIOUS TIME."

i mean, its still pretty mean, but its much better than, "WHY IS HE TALKING TO HER. HE HATES ME. IM NOT PRETTY ENOUGH. UGHH. I SHOULD LOSE MORE WEIGHT. HE JUST FEELS TOO BAD TO BREAK UP WITH ME. IM WORTHLESS. HE TALKS TO HER CUS IM BORING HIM TO DEATH. GAH."

i guess its an improvement in a way. ive reverted to my 8th/9th grade self with a gigantic ego. and hey, its working pretty alright for now. it might not be the healthiest thing, but its working.

oh some other news for those that dont have facebook:
sean has a new gf (this actually happened about a month ago...xD who is actually YOUNGER THAN I AM (lololol pedophileeeee)and is really scene. she looks like a man. but this, my friends, isnt the BEST NEWS. well, apparently when sean went to scotland with the drama club, HE APPARENTLY CHEATED ON SAID GIRLFRIEND.
lmfao yeah, you heard me right.
i heard that his gf told him that he could do whatever he wanted to while he was away, basically promtping him to cheat on her. but, for those that dont know this info, it makes him look like a utter douchebag. but, this works in my favor. it makes people see that he was a dick. and it makes me laugh. he thought he was going to be this big shot college guy, but now a lot of people in drama club think he's an ass for doing that to his gf. when i heard, i was laughing for hours. i mean, come on, HE GOT CAUGHT. he tried to be "cool", but he got CAUGHT and ended up looking like a DOUCHE. x)

well, thats it for now.
it felt good to type away all of this stuff.

love always,
Toffee Cakes